Friday

Sept 7, 2001

disappointment

I am often disappointed in myself these days. I feel I could have, at a certain point, taken my good luck and good sense (quit sniggering, now) and done much, much more with my life. In lots of ways. But, having gotten to a certain place, I didn't seem to want to bloody my head anymore. I was doing OK and just wanted to get by. Amazingly, I still got things and accomplished things. People in my way, playing political games bothered me far less. My laziness was a political game itself. Sometimes I did things with real energy but a little voice said, "You know, it doesn't matter, don't you?" The most recent time I really threw myself at something and worked on trying to do it right, some executives threw it out over the weekend. When this happens to things I worked on less hard, it's not surprising that I don't feel as bad about it. Of course, I knew. My friend the voice told me. So even though I busted it on this thing, I was doing it as an exercise, not dreaming it would affect the company.

There have been a few times in the last couple of weeks where I recaptured that old 'can do and the customers will love it' feeling. The technical talk was exciting. But I won't get to implement it. That's good in a way. (If you have to make a program work, you have to work some long hours if for no other reason than it will just keep making you mad that the last thing you tried isn't working.) But it's bad in a way. And makes me feel useless. I'd like to be creating stuff, but not enough to give up my cushy staff job.

I wake up this morning, certain that I've just let a dream fly away to the bit bucket. Worries about work have replaced it. Sigh. I'll bet what I was dreaming was more interesting.

I work. I have a meeting that I truly, truly dread. It's not as bad as I'd imagined. Dare I say it even went well? I spend the afternoon cleaning up some communications and researching some things.

I dine. At lunch, SuRu and I went to Edge City Cafe and we both had grilled chicken Caesar salads with water to drink. And a delicious roll or layered pastry. No cheese.

As we are leaving some nerdy-looking guys are standing in line. One says to the other, "She has a lot in common with other people in the group. She's depressed, angry and cynical."

We go to the Barnes and Noble store afterwards. I wander around and look at the bargain books and consider buying a volume of Harold Brodkey stories (First Love and Other Sorrows) for $4.98 after dipping in an pulling out this sentence.

Their first dip in sensual waters left them nonplussed.

I don't buy it, though.

I dine. Our friends want to go to this Kaya Blue place on 6th. They pick us up and we park right there on Sixth Street. It is only about 6:45, but still. We have cocktails and wine and I have this rare tuna appetizer and this fondutta thing that is, essentially, melted mozzarella cheese and Brie cheese with chili oil mixed in and served with bread.

We go to Four Seasons after that and, in spite of the impending UT football game the crowding isn't too bad. They bring our buddy not one but two dessert goody plates, the second with his name on it. Kaya Blue had already given him a free dessert.

At one point a blonde gal in town for the game comes through the lobby with her dog in tow and our buddy gets down on the floor to pat him and he licks his face all over. He loves pets but he his to go wash up after that.

I think I drank maybe a little too much as the early hours of Saturday will attest.

Someone once sold these on ebay...I didn't buy them but I should have...or not...anyway it was thoughtful of them to include back and front poses, don't you think? I should take pictures of my bendies doing dances. But I'm so lazy!

Meta: I think posting every day is a compulsive habit. I wish I could get in the habit of, say, exercising every day.

JUST TYPING

When you are forced to examine past failures, it can make you bitter. But examining past success makes you feel stupid. So it's the failures that we serve up again and again if we are egotists.