The Visible Woman...December 30, 2003

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that when you say "if only...this would get resolved then all would be well" you are always wrong. Not that it doesn't help to get things resolved.

I can't count the number of times I thought "if only." Get this one thing resolved and all will be well. Get a job, get a raise, get something paid off. Get something fixed. Sell a building. Get beyond a deadline or event. Finish a project. Then we will be well-off, in the money, happy, satisfied.

I've learned it isn't true. You have to get through these things. But you never arrive anywhere. There is always one more thing. And it may be hidden by the current monster or it may just come crashing over the horizon.

When my mom was sick, I thought if only we could get her stabilized, get her home and not in pain, get a remission. When I knew she was going to die, I thought if only we can get through it without damaging her departure or hurting any of the rest of us too much.

When I worked, I thought if only I could retire and read and write and travel and live on my investments. Oh, investments. How many incantations of if only the stock would go up a bit did I do?

Of course, some people live with an if only I won the lottery trumping everything. They are lucky in one way: they will probably never know that if they did win...there would be another if only.

There are people who had loved ones perish under mud and snow and the rubble of an earthquake recently. There are people who fear the regime. There are people watching walls go up. They see the if only writ large. If they were in my shoes, they think, their lives would be perfect. But they wouldn't necessarily be able to embrace it.

We no longer own an empty building. Instead, we are the lien holders on a building. If only we could sell the building we said. If only I had enough money to retire I said.

When your dreams come true, do you dream another or do you embrace it? Is it better to dream something new? I think it is, but I also think it's good to look at the journey for what it's worth and now that what you build will fall down, that you will die, that what is new becomes old, the bright faded. Celebrate the steps but know that you won't, in any sense, win against entropy.

	if only If there is one thing I have learned, it is that when you say "if only...this would get resolved then all would be well" you are always wrong. Not that it doesn't help to get things resolved. I can't count the number of times I thought "if only." Get this one thing resolved and all will be well. Get a job, get a raise, get something paid off. Get something fixed. Sell a building. Get beyond a deadline or event. Finish a project. Then we will be well-off, in the money, happy, satisfied. I've learned it isn't true. You have to get through these things. But you never arrive anywhere. There is always one more thing. And it may be hidden by the current monster or it may just come crashing over the horizon. When my mom was sick, I thought if only we could get her stabilized, get her home and not in pain, get a remission. When I knew she was going to die, I thought if only we can get through it without damaging her departure or hurting any of the rest of us too much. When I worked, I thought if only I could retire and read and write and travel and live on my investments. Oh, investments. How many incantations of if only the stock would go up a bit did I do? Of course, some people live with an if only I won the lottery trumping everything. They are lucky in one way: they will probably never know that if they did win...there would be another if only. There are people who had loved ones perish under mud and snow and the rubble of an earthquake recently. There are people who fear the regime. There are people watching walls go up. They see the if only writ large. If they were in my shoes, they think, their lives would be perfect. But they wouldn't necessarily be able to embrace it. We no longer own an empty building. Instead, we are the lien holders on a building. If only we could sell the building we said. If only I had enough money to retire I said. When your dreams come true, do you dream another or do you embrace it? Is it better to dream something new? I think it is, but I also think it's good to look at the journey for what it's worth and now that what you build will fall down, that you will die, that what is new becomes old, the bright faded. Celebrate the steps but know that you won't, in any sense, win against entropy.
mutant emasculated toys rise up from the junk heap
JUST TYPING If only. If only I felt better. If only I knew how. If only I had the money for this. Or that. If only I didn't have this responsibility. If only I was responsible for it and could make it happen. If only I was in charge. If only I wasn't in charge. If only I could get some sleep. If only I could wake up.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* nothing lunch [34th Street Cafe] Chinese hack salad *snacks* a clementine dinner [Zoot] five course vegetarian dinner including all kinds of stuff like braised endive and mushroom risotto and a cheese plate about 2/3 bottle of wine Today I - realized that I really can't keep the weight off if I don't eat a little less and exercise a little more...only I didn't exercise..
		Time flies.... I am up and showered and dressed before eight. I figure we will go to the building closing and then I'll do various errands and things and do some preparation for going out of town and then tonight I'll work out. I have a cup of coffee and work on this journal. I call my dad and get him to come over and wait for the inspector...just to be sure even though I thought the contractor was sending someone. Nothing goes wrong in the closing. It takes a while for signing and copying. When we get home, the inspector finally comes and the contractor. We go out to lunch with the bookkeeper and FFP proposes going to dinner, too. Celebrating. I don't feel like going to work out, sweating, showering. Should be OK to skip days but I worry. I make additional copies of closing stuff, file it, give the bookkeeper things she needs and needs to give the CPA. I update the WEB page to not show the building for sale. I could work on a packing list for my upcoming trip or I could go shopping for a few things for our new room or I could work on the December budget. I'm not crazy about shopping but I pick it over the other two. I look at bunches of stuff at target and buy only some cereal bars and some cheap twin sheets for our new split king that will someday be delivered when we finish the room. At Linens 'N Things I buy myself a new hairdryer on sale and some dish towels on sale for a gift and a couple of things for my mother-in-law's birthday. At Container Store I almost buy a couple of things and reconsider. I do see something I think I'll buy when the room and closet are finished. Of course, they probably won't have them then. At REI I buy some Power Bars and use my small rebate. (I always take bars when we fly in case food is not available at some point.) FFP has suggested dinner out with the bookkeeper. We have a fabulous dinner at Zoot with a 1991 Rex Hill Pinot and a 1988 Penfold's Grange Hermitage. I have the five course vegetarian one. A tiny amuse and five rather small courses except there was lots of cheese. Man...those wines were good. the Penfold's about the best I've ever tasted. Too bad we don't have any more bottles of that.

		Reading. Dawn of D-Day: There Men Were There 6 June 1944 by David Howarth in the car at stoplights. (Well, a few paragraphs.) Michelin Green Guide to Washington, D.C.; The Best American Essays 2003 edited by Anne Fadiman is pending as is a book someone loaned me about Roosevelt and Truman called The Conquerers. Newspapers. Today's newspapers.
		just do something, will you?
		Exercise None. I'm finding more and more excuses not to exercise every single day. Must stop this. Of course, the club will be closed New Year's Day and I'll travel soon. Hmmm...a trend?
	. .	It's funny how my cold is forgotten. My digestion also seems good. When you are feeling quite well, you don't really appreciate it.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "I can't believe how he's getting into this party. He says he is trying to 'pay people back.' His eyes go a little misty." Two years ago "But the point is well-taken: we will sacrifice our freedom for an illusion of safety."