The Visible Woman...January 19, 2004

Structure is good. Plans, appointments, duties. They keep me on track. Make me do something. But I hate them. I like to be free to choose moment by moment.

Reservations or not? Last minute or long-time planned? This is the constant dilemma of my life. I really worship the spontaneous but sometimes I need a duty or an appointment or something to stir me to action. And I like to have a little bit of a plan.

I need appointments around which to improvise and be surprised.

The promise of workmen showing up and the appointments of lunches with friends, going to a meeting with FFP and the dog's vet visit balloon up and fill my days of sloth. In between, I do what I please. Be spontaneous.

Today, I dropped the dog off at the vet and I picked up my dad and took him for a cat scan and later I picked the dog up again. In between, I did some looking at a couple of shops without buying anything. That was the spontaneous part. I was a little mad, though, to find the strip center parking at Arboretum thronged with people at three in the afternoon. Then I remembered it was a holiday for a lot of people.

We'd planned a night out at a Cabaret show and we got off as quickly as we could to get downtown at a time when Mopac is usually thronged. Forgot again that the day was a holiday for some. Very light traffic indeed. Committed to the night out I settled in and had lots of fun.

It's good not to have too many commitments but it's great to have enough to get you out of the house.

	I need structure but I hate it Structure is good. Plans, appointments, duties. They keep me on track. Make me do something. But I hate them. I like to be free to choose moment by moment. Reservations or not? Last minute or long-time planned? This is the constant dilemma of my life. I really worship the spontaneous but sometimes I need a duty or an appointment or something to stir me to action. And I like to have a little bit of a plan. I need appointments around which to improvise and be surprised. The promise of workmen showing up and the appointments of lunches with friends, going to a meeting with FFP and the dog's vet visit balloon up and fill my days of sloth. In between, I do what I please. Be spontaneous. Today, I dropped the dog off at the vet and I picked up my dad and took him for a cat scan and later I picked the dog up again. In between, I did some looking at a couple of shops without buying anything. That was the spontaneous part. I was a little mad, though, to find the strip center parking at Arboretum thronged with people at three in the afternoon. Then I remembered it was a holiday for a lot of people. We'd planned a night out at a Cabaret show and we got off as quickly as we could to get downtown at a time when Mopac is usually thronged. Forgot again that the day was a holiday for some. Very light traffic indeed. Committed to the night out I settled in and had lots of fun. It's good not to have too many commitments but it's great to have enough to get you out of the house.
stuff has piled up in the living room and I hope, when the boxes are finally opened, that we actually like the furniture and all the pieces are in there and undamaged
JUST TYPING Each moment can be scheduled or free. An empty day on the calendar beckons hopefully. It wasn't always that way.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* two cups of coffee *lunch* several bowls of salad with green onions, greens, mozzarella, spinach, dressing a banana snacks [Eddie V's] a dozen raw oysters dinner [219 West] a mini burger a heart of romaine salad shallot fries with ketchup some crab dip with pita a Jack Daniels a lot of 1999 Alexander Valley Silver Oak (yum!) Today I - didn't eat much until my night out...then watch out.
		Time flies.... FFP went to the club early. I stayed in bed until it was time for him to return. I dreamt of having too much stuff (my dad was one of the culprits, dumping stuff on me) and we were eating and drinking and I tried to tell someone in German that we drank Sauterne with foie gras but it came out half in French. I took the dog to the vet to get her teeth cleaned when FFP got back while he showered. I came back and finished yesterday's journal over a cup of coffee. I pondered how this daily writing is the only structure I seem to have. Well, not really, but it is one overriding 'obligation.' FFP said he'd be around (the tile guys are supposed to show up) so I went to the club. I should have gone when he did. When I get to the club I decide that I want to take a shower there because of the likely confusion at the house. I find some clean underwear, a clean TShirt and a comb in my car and use the free towels, razor, shampoo and soap and I do clean up after the workout and put my sweats (that I'd wore to the club over my shorts) and the TShirt on with my workout shoes with no socks and go home. I eat some stuff and change into jeans and real shoes and a shirt and sweater. I go over to my dad's pretty early and read the paper and then I take him to the cat scan place. I fill out the forms for him and wait and it doesn't take too long although I exhaust anything resembling good reading material in the waiting room because I've forgotten my book. I take Dad home and go shopping at the Arboretum but buy absolutely nothing. I look at books on Paris and France in B&N. I almost succumb to two. Unbelievable since I have a box full at home. ("But they aren't current," I argue to myself. "But you can use the Internet," my self answers.

		Reading. Newspapers. Best Essays of 2003 edited by Anne Fadiman. The Conquerers by Michael Beschloss. [This one goes slowly because the book belongs to someone else so I don't want to get it in harm's way.]
		nothing
		Exercise thirty-four minutes on bike my leg, back and bicep weight program twenty minutes on treadmill
	. .	Physically feel good.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "As predicted things got messier. I decided I need to have a place to keep cameras between uses. (I picked up the first thing 'in my way' and it was my digital camera.) I did have such a place but that cabinet needing cleaning out. There was no place to pile stuff while cleaning so I piled a bunch of books on the floor. And, so it goes. '" Two years ago "I'm surprised to find a menu for our 25th Anniversary Party because, momentarily, I'd forgotten we had it. Ridiculous, I know. I've slept since then, I always say."