Thursday

Sept. 20, 2001

tense

We are up early. The electrician is coming to give me my personal circuit breaker for my computers and wants to get in the attic when it is less than a thousand degrees.

I go to work. I attend meetings and wonder what I'm doing after all. The impending trip is starting to worry me. It's not my safety I'm worried about. No. I'm worried about not being allowed to carry on a change of clothes and dress shoes as well as the laptop I need for business. About being hassled about electronics. About whether they will blow up my checked luggage if I pack my Swiss Army Knife and my Defcon laptop lock. Unreasonable worries, I know. But, you must admit, more likely problems than actually being in physical danger.

After work, I visit my parents. My mother has had a small seizure. Hers take this odd form where she doesn't always lose consciousness. But she can't talk for a while. She almost fell but Dad was there and grabbed her. She had not mis-medicated either, according to her. Although she was just about to get something on her stomach and take her dose. Also, the doctor is worried about her chest xray and cough and may biopsy her lung. In spite of this, they are still excited about all the cards and stuff they got. My nieces sent electronic cards, probably after I wrote that we gave them a nice dinner. Nevermind, my mom loved them. My friend LG took them a balloon and flowers and "came over TWICE because we weren't home the first time."

If you have old parents or other relatives, remember how much they appreciate the smallest attentions.

I took Dad some books. He said that he was done with the rest of them and particularly enjoyed the last one: Howard K. Smith's Last Train from Berlin. While Mom and I checked the computer, Dad started reading Calvin Trillin's Travels with Alice. I also took him another McMurtry novel, a book about the blitz in London, a book about J. Paul Getty. He has started writing inside a little B in a circle with the date so that I will remember he read them. I like that somehow. I'll be finding books for years and knowing that he read them.

FFP was at a meeting. Before he came home I did a little surfing. We watched the president. The speech was very good. I know he didn't write it. But he did deliver it. And he did seem to believe the things he said about the important things like not hating your neighbor in our melting pot. Bush's reputation here was that he chose people to surround him who were very competent and who represented a surprising variety of points of view. I think the speech shows that. And the fact that we haven't indiscriminately bombed anyone (yet) shows that. I'm suspicious of all politicians. I thought Hillary shouldn't have been talking with the guy next to her like a conspirator, but that's just my opinion. All in all, the unity is amazing. And I have some tiny hope that we won't kill too many innocent people. Heck, he even mentioned that the Taliban gave women no rights ("girls aren't allowed to go to school.")

I try to read. I watch a disturbing ER where everyone has gun shot wounds. I get tense. I'm worried about the hassle of the airport, not being able to carry things on, maybe having them lose my luggage. Delays in flying and having to take many decongestants for the flights. Whether I will do a credible job of representing the company at the other end. I let myself get tense. I almost never do that, but I do. I guess the good news is that I'm not worried about my safety. I know that's just another of life's chances.

my great aunt has serious problems

Meta:
The journal. I don't know. Should I keep going? I'm starting to lose enthusiasm.

JUST TYPING
Tension.
Feeling like a suspect.
Rather than a wronged party.