The Visible Woman...March 22, 2004

Monday, March 22, 2004

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A Journal from Austin, Texas.
A Project of LBFFP Stealth Publishing.

health and mood

fighting an unreasonable sadness

Sadness comes from odd little dreams and thoughts, anniversaries of events and catching someone else's sadness.

Really...everything is fine. Just fine. My life couldn't be better. FFP and my dad, my two closest companions at the moment, are doing pretty well. I'm retired, doing things I want, pretty healthy.

So why the little sadness?

First off, I woke up around six but went back to sleep for an hour. I had some dreams which, rather than quickly receding, sort of boiled up and kept coming back at me. There was some mundane stuff...some deep holes in the back yard (or some place), a coat check confusion, watching movies with some people. But there was also this horrific deal where they were apparently executing military traitors and FFP was one of them. There he was in a military uniform (nope...he was 4F during Viet Nam so he's never had the pleasure...and his asthma disappeared after he escaped a smoking household...how ironic). There was something to do with capturing soap bubbles and people were cheering but it wasn't going to go well for FFP, I didn't think.. So...um...I wanted to scream but couldn't seem to. I woke up frightened.

My dad got a little choked during water aerobics which always scares me now with the (possibly growing) goiter from hell.

And yesterday Dad was telling people that today would have been his 63rd wedding anniversary. He teared up. Made me sad.

And the remodel is over so it now is what it is...and we are starting to put our own wear and tear on it. I'm pretty happy with it, but this makes me a little sad in an odd way...once I got over being happy that no workmen were showing up every day.

And I'm thinking about these projects I want to do and how ill-equipped I actually am to do them and that makes me a little sad, too. And I know that I won't put enough effort into them to get them done to my satisfaction.

Not to mention that going through all the things I'd packed away makes my life seem stupid and insignificant.

Usually, when I feel sad and I can list out the reasons, I can turn it around. I wasn't so successful with that today. Maybe it is just this: there is no longer any waiting...I'm retired, I have the life I wanted, the remodel is over, I'm in pretty good shape now. I can't look forward to some event making my life suddenly better.

Someone conducting an online contest for a messy office searched for same and came up with my site. Imagine that. We're still working on this!

JUST TYPING

Sadness.
Creeps up.
A tear in Dad's eye.
A silent scream in a dream.
A coughing.
A hopeless pile of things.
No real reason.
Not one that seems logical.
But sadness still.

Food Diary.

breakfast

nothing

lunch

two bowls of salad with Romaine, red leaf, yellow peppers, cheese, dressing, tomatoes, red onions
some Boursin cheese
the leftover sweet potato chips

snacks

a few white, seedless grapes

dinner

part of an order of fried oysters with sauce, part of an asparagus appetizer, a biscuit with butter and honey, duck with mashed potatoes and some vegies
a couple of glasses of white wine

Today I
- never really felt hungry.

Time flies....

I should have gotten up at six or so. Instead I went back to sleep, had unpleasant dreams and was barely out of bed when FFP returned from the club. I made the bed and got dressed for my water aerobics. Made that on time and spent the next couple of hours there. I showered off the chlorine, did the treadmill until a bike became available, did the bike, did the longer of my two weight programs and did the bike again.

So it was 11:30 before I left the club and then I cleaned up wine glasses and platters, ate lunch, cleaned up from my lunch and FFP's and decided to do some e-mail, to do lists, writing on my journal and my SXSW film review.

We thought we were going out tonight for drinks, but it was cancelled then it was on again. I was kind of glad it was cancelled and then kind of glad it was on again, oddly.

Suddenly it was 3:30 and I was almost caught up with the journal but hadn't done my film review. I worked on that some, went outside to look at yard work that needed doing, showered and we went out for drinks with friends. We talked movies with these folks (who run Austin Film Festival) and enjoyed it.

When we got home, I tried to watch a documentary on fishing in New York City and read newspapers and my book. I kept falling asleep. Went to bed and tried to watch Full Frontal but kept falling asleep. Finally turned off the light.

Reading.

Newspapers.

The Life of Ernie Pyle by Lee G. Miller. This biography really makes me want to read all the collections of his work. I've read some before and I'm sure I have some around here. I used to read WWII accounts all the time and they would 'intersect' here and there. This one certainly arcs over a lot of the others. Ernie even bunks with A.J. Liebling...I read a collection of his writing not so long ago (although it must have been before I started recording all my reading because I can't locate when).

nothing

Thinking about Things.

TVs.
You can only watch one at a time.
Two are actually in storage.
But six of them are plugged in and five of those are attached to digital cable boxes.
I could watch one while I sit here and type.
But I rarely do.

(3267)

Exercise

recumbent bike	41min
treadmill	5min
ergonomic rower
water aerobics
chest, shoulder, triceps
leg, back, bicep	x
lower back
ab exercises
stretches
walking
tennis

Digestion is a little dicey. Actually a lot. The drinking yesterday might be the cause...you think?

Mood is not awful even though I feel sad.

It's a Tangled
Web we weave...these
days of our lives.

One year ago
"They had an exhibit of Robert Frank photographs. Robert was a depression-chronicler and a street photographer. I fancy a 'career' in street photography so I wanted to see it. They also had paintings by Alex Katz. My companions had a good time discussing whether the paintings were worthy and I enjoyed the photos immensely."

Two years ago
"There's nothing that will make me feel like a physical wreck like a few sets of friendly tennis. It's cool, even cold out. I don't won't to go. But I signed up and I'll feel bad if I don't."

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