The Visible Woman...February 11, 2004

You know that a miracle isn't going to happen. But what's the best you can expect?

If you know your dad has a mass in his throat and chest, then the best outcome is that it is benign and that there is some hope of avoiding surgery. (We joke that he can use this 'thing the size of a small animal' in my chest as an excuse for a lot of things including not losing weight.)

There would be no question if he were fifty-seven or even sixty-seven. But eighty-seven? The young doctors see that he isn't struggling to breathe or swallow particularly. They know the risks of the surgery required which includes a sternotomy...splitting the sternum. People survive it all the time, even older ones, but four or five days in the hospital, lots of trauma.

Surgeons cut. It's what they do. But Dad and I are especially happy that a CT scan in May is the order...to compare with the one we already have and see if there is significant growth. Of course, if he has some acute symptoms they say, "We would have to do it. Right away. Not wait two weeks." And if it grows significantly in three months we know what they'll recommend.

The locally famous chest surgeon suggests that we go out on the Internet and read about goiters. He seems young, very young. Everyone is supposed to read up on the Internet about their condition. If they end up having to go for it, he will rip through bone to get to it. Scary. When I do read on the Internet, I see that some surgeons try to deliver the goiter through a neck incision even if it's substernal. But I recall them saying something about this one's location that seems to preclude this. There also seems to be some blurb on thyroid drugs helping to slow growth but after their examination the surgeions haven't recommended an endocrinologist. I wonder if I should be doing something more, asking more questions.

It's scary but it's the best outcome we could expect. Isn't it?

	the best outcome you could reasonably expect You know that a miracle isn't going to happen. But what's the best you can expect? If you know your dad has a mass in his throat and chest, then the best outcome is that it is benign and that there is some hope of avoiding surgery. (We joke that he can use this 'thing the size of a small animal' in my chest as an excuse for a lot of things including not losing weight.) There would be no question if he were fifty-seven or even sixty-seven. But eighty-seven? The young doctors see that he isn't struggling to breathe or swallow particularly. They know the risks of the surgery required which includes a sternotomy...splitting the sternum. People survive it all the time, even older ones, but four or five days in the hospital, lots of trauma. Surgeons cut. It's what they do. But Dad and I are especially happy that a CT scan in May is the order...to compare with the one we already have and see if there is significant growth. Of course, if he has some acute symptoms they say, "We would have to do it. Right away. Not wait two weeks." And if it grows significantly in three months we know what they'll recommend. The locally famous chest surgeon suggests that we go out on the Internet and read about goiters. He seems young, very young. Everyone is supposed to read up on the Internet about their condition. If they end up having to go for it, he will rip through bone to get to it. Scary. When I do read on the Internet, I see that some surgeons try to deliver the goiter through a neck incision even if it's substernal. But I recall them saying something about this one's location that seems to preclude this. There also seems to be some blurb on thyroid drugs helping to slow growth but after their examination the surgeions haven't recommended an endocrinologist. I wonder if I should be doing something more, asking more questions. It's scary but it's the best outcome we could expect. Isn't it?
old ad for iodine salt...goiter used to be so much more common
JUST TYPING A brief elation that they won't cut now. The realization that you will have to think about the thing, maybe growing.
		Food Diary. *breakfast* Product 19 cereal and 2% milk *lunch* one half a Reuben (really this sandwich is so big that its a whole sandwich) cup of clam chowder *snacks* some sugar candy (about two hundred calories worth and it's now all gone so can I keep from buying any more? why does this candy call to me when I can have mints or other hard candy or chocolates or M&M's around and have one once in a while?) two slices American cheese dinner [Westwood Country Club] Caesar Salad seared tuna on greens with rissotto and vegies tiny piece of bread, no butter one half a bottle of wine Today I - am still in this sort of bad food vortex...well, I guess cereal and tuna and vegies aren't too bad.
		Time flies.... It is too rainy for water aerobics. I am going to wait for the floor guys while FFP works out. I know I need to get showered up so I do that before he gets back. The floor guys do come but they just measure for a transition piece and quickly put a coat on the floor and are gone. I try to get some things organized while I wait for my dad to come. Dad and I spend the day together, waiting. We go to the first doctor, wait in the business office, take care of that, wait in the waiting room, wait in an exam room, wait while they try to get a pathology report. Then we go and eat and go to the bookstore and Central Market cafe and hang out and wait for the second appointment. Then we wait in the waiting room and then we wait in the exam room for an hour. Good thing I have a book. When we get home, Dad heads for church for their Wednesday night social supper. I wait around for a friend to get off work. She, FFP and I all go to the club and eat up our food minimum. We talk about our trip this summer (she's the organizer of part of it) and this and that. I feel relief and trepidation. I watch Law and Order doing a ripped from the headlines on the terrorist act and the city hall shooting. I intend to start watching Pirates of the Caribbean but I don't. I read some newspapers. I go to bed and read a few pages of my book.

		Reading. Newspapers. The Conquerers by Michael Beschloss.
		nothing
		Exercise nothing well, you are supposed to give it a rest some days, huh?
	. .	Mood is tense while waiting to talk to doctors but otherwise fine. I feel sort of confident in things working out, somehow.
	It's a Tangled Web we weave...these days of our lives.	One year ago "I usually try to write this journal in the present tense. Both in the sense of the language and when it's written. I like it best if I take notes throughout the day. Sometimes right on this 'form' if I'm in my office or just scribbled in a notebook if I'm out and about. But the last couple of days got away from me.I actually took some notes and lost them. And although I found them again they weren't very instructive." Two years ago "Should I add a paragraph on every cup of coffee I drink and what cup I use. (I favor one of my TMCM cups, actually.)"